Emotional Agility: Own Your Emotions So They Don’t Own You
During this pandemic, it’s likely that many of us are experiencing a range of stressful emotions. Empathetic leadership is more important now than ever, and in order to be an empathetic leader to others, you first need the skills to master your own emotions. Susan David has written and spoken eloquently about this skill in her book Emotional Agility and in a recent TED podcast.
Emotional agility is being able to notice our emotions and decide how to act on them based on our values.
Susan describes a simple process for mastering your emotions, grounded in mindfulness techniques. Own the emotion so it doesn’t own you.
Notice and acknowledge your emotion, as if detached from yourself
Show yourself some compassion
Be curious about what the emotion is telling you.
Decide how to act, in accordance with your values
Here is how your inner dialogue might play out.
I notice that I’m feeling __________. [anxious, angry, overwhelmed, distracted…]
That’s ok. I’m human. My emotion does not define me.
Why do I feel that way? I’m curious to explore the reasons.
How will I act in accordance with my values?
Image courtesy of Phil Shirley under Creative Commons license.
As with any other skill, mastering emotional agility requires dedicated practice. Bill Joiner, author of Leadership Agility, has found that the most effective leaders (Catalyst leaders) share a common behavior: virtually all of them practice mindfulness consistently.
Mastering your own emotions expands your capability to be an empathetic leader. In these anxious, remote-working world, how are you supporting your colleagues at work?
How can you spend quality time with your colleagues when working remotely? Make up for the loss of ‘water cooler’ conversations.
In team meetings and one-on-one discussions, how can you take the discussion beyond the task-at-hand and show your empathy?
Here is my own recent story about using this practice. A few weeks ago, I felt irritable and anxious. I wasn’t sleeping well. So I embarked on my preferred mindfulness technique - mindfulness in motion - a.k.a. going for a run. My inner dialogue went something like this.
“I notice that I’m feeling irritable and anxious. I’ve been short-tempered with my wife and kids.”
“That’s understandable. Most people are concerned about what’s happening due to this virus.”
“Why? I guess I’m feeling overwhelmed. Business income has dropped significantly, yet I’m working harder than ever, scrambling to convert in-person training material to an online format that is still engaging and high-impact. My perfectionist tendencies are creeping in and I want the online classes to be perfect.”
“How can I decide to act? As an agilist, I believe in iterative delivery and rapid learning. I need to accept that my first-ever online course won’t be perfect. Just make it good enough for participants to have an impactful experience. I believe in transparency and vulnerability, so I’ll be open with participants that it’s my first time facilitating an online course. I also believe in focus; I need to set aside distractions and commit myself to getting my course content created.”
This simple inner dialogue helped me wrangle control of my emotions. Since then, I have delivered two online courses, and I’ve received overwhelmingly positive feedback on them. I also learned a lot and know how to make online courses even better going forward.
In the wise words of Journey, Be Good To Yourself. And then don’t forget to be good to others.
If you’d like to hear more from Susan David you might subscribe to her new podcast: Checking In.